Excellent snark on America’s Next Top Model by writer from Bitch Magazine
I watch America’s Next Top Model. I really like Tyra Banks. She’s completely, 100% without internal censors, and I find it fascinating that she gets crazier and crazier the longer she’s in the public eye. I also like ANTM for the molding that goes on with the girls as they progress from lumpen proletariat to something that actually looks human in a dress. Then there’s “Runway Coach Diva Extraordinaire” Miss J, who alone is worth the price of admission. Since when was such a totally openly gay and very flamboyant man in such a prominent position on prime time television? He brings his cutting bitchy ethos to the judging panel but he is also a very good coach for walking and body positioning. Then you’ve got Creative Director Jay Emanuel who is clearly a professional. Patient yet demanding, Jay have never high standards and occasionally is let down by the girls. Jay is also a gay man, not nearly as flamboyant as Miss J, but together they are the high-powered Fric and Frac of the fashion industry, playing off one another perfectly, as if they emerged from the same mink-lined womb.
New “celebrity judge” to replace Twiggy, who was on the show for nine seasons, is Paulina Porizkova, a teen idol of mine. Until ANTM, I had never heard her speak. Looking at her huge liquid eyes and silky straight hair and fine bird-like facial structure, I imagined she would be sweet, demure, a whispy, reedy, delicate thing. Turns out she’s a totally ice cold biyatch. Who knew?! She often out-does Tyra. Sometimes she even out does MIss J and that means Paulina might just be the iciest queen ANTM has ever seen. “Noted fashion photographer” Nigel Barker: Hmmmm what can I say about him? He’s very attractive and he gets crushes on all the models, something he desperately tries to obscure at panel but his tone of voice and ebullient praise for the ones he prefers gives him away every time.
On last night’s episode, they weeded the girls down to four. One of the four is Whitney, the plus-size model. She’s a size 8, maybe a 10. She is definitely beautiful, although as Tyra pointed out in characteristically blunt fashion last night “we’re afraid you’re getting stuck!” Whitney needs to pop on film the way she does in real life, but I just can’t stand her name. It’s, as one of the Italian designers critiqued her last week, “so American.” Nevertheless, I love that the plus-size girl has done so well in this competition. Although in this week’s episode, Tyra admonished Whitney for doing the “ass out/boobs up” pose that seems to come naturally for a woman of her stature.
But this post is about some fantastically snarky commentary I found online by Rita Hao, who is a columnist in San Francisco writing for SFGate.com, SFist.com, and Bitch Magazine. She writes about an episode that happened two weeks ago, where the girls had to film a commercial for Cover Girl lipsticks in Italian. Fatima, the Iman-esque statue from Somalia, kicked ass in hers, but Dominique, the one that Miss J thinks “is really a brotha,” butchered hers to the point that her Italian pronunciation sounded like staccato Chinese. In this episode, a tall, lanky Brooklyn girl goes home. Her name was Lauren but Hao calls her “Lurch” and the column is hilarious reading in its own right, but even better if you follow the show.